King Of Self-Sabotage

self sabotageAs some of you know I have been on an “improve myself” phase lately. Well, to be honest it is probably more of a “your a 41 year old fat man, how pathetic, clean up your life” phase. This can be a dangerous phase to be in.

Not too long ago while I was out shopping at one of those “buy everything in bulk” stores I came across a really good deal on a juicer. A friend of mine that I shall call the Queen of Self Improvement (everyone knows one of these types, they consume their health drinks while using their palates machines and only eat “food” that tastes like dirt and chews like cardboard…YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) has been singing the praises of juicing for years. I always listened politely and smiled with a cigarette in one hand and a rum and coke in the other. Needless to say her siren song had little effect on me for over two decades.

Eventually things catch up to you. In my case life attacked from several directions. I found myself in a situation where age, disability, depression, and general health forced me to clean up my life. Slowly over the years I have given up almost all of my bad habits except smoking. Disability had derailed my exercise routines, but I find myself starting back on yoga and tai chi. My diet, which had become fairly toxic, is now slowly coming more in line with what the human body needs. My coffee addiction has been replaced by herbal tea. These things when combined with the mid-life crisis phase that was affecting me left me standing in front of the juicer with weakened defenses while the siren song of the Queen of Self Improvement called to me, and visions of Jack LaLanne danced in my head. Enchanted by its black and chrome design, I read over all the specifications on the box. Taking out my cell phone, I quickly called the Queen.  I rattled off the brand, price, and all the specifications. She gave her blessing on the buy and I was off to the produce section of the store to buy juiceables in restaurant sized bundles.

I have been playing around since with different mixtures of juiceable things (spellchecker keeps telling me that word does not exist, I say I have studied 5 different languages and if I need to I am sure I can come up with a justification for it). I was surprised to find that I like it. But now I realize there is one major problem. Remember the title of this post?  Remember the picture at the top? Scroll back up if you need to. I am the King of Self-Sabotage.  Sitting at my desk enjoying my freshly juiced juice I realized that I was smoking at the same time. Browsing my email and sipping my carrot/cucumber/apple/tomato/celery juice breakfast, I had without even thinking lit a cigarette and started smoking.

I shot off a text to the Queen asking her if smoking while drinking my juice canceled out all the good of the juice. Her response:

Maybe just a little. lol

Oh well. What can I do other than sit back and laugh at myself.  I have decided that my subconscious mind thinks that I was making too many lifestyle changes at once for it to deal with them all, so it was making me do something bad for myself to balance things out (that is my rationalization and I am sticking to it).

As I am making all these changes my last bad habit of smoking has decreased without me trying, light exercising is getting easier, and my weight is starting to go down slightly (maybe one day the scale will not cry when I stand on it). The process is slower than someone of my temperament would normally like, but in my old age I can now see that this slow change will allow me to build lasting habits that the fast changes I made in the past did not allow.

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